TEACHING THROUGH EMBARRASSMENT~ MOST EFFECTIVE,
~BUT LEADS TO HATING THE TEACHER

I'm one of those people who remember every embarrassing moment from the time I could remember anything... but the last time I was truly embarrassed was not so long ago. That day,several months ago, I'd gently reminded someone that morning that their fly was unzipped. Later, I was at the waiting room in the hospital where I had driven my dialysis patient. I saw that an alert and well dressed elderly woman who had been sick was there, and I was glad to see her finally able to drive her husband in again. I waved to her where she sat, and said how glad I was to see her. She said she had been very ill, but didn't elaborate. However, she held out her arms to give me what I thought was a sweet hug for my caring enough to ask about her. So I bent over extending my arms to accept her hug, being really touched that she would want to hug me. I was becoming quite fond of her too, and the affection display not only surprised me, but opened me up to her in a lovingly vulnerable way. When I went to give her a peck on the cheek, she kind of pulled away so she could aim at my ear, and whispered loudly, "Your zipper is down."

That was funny, because I had noticed another's zipper earlier, and mine must have been down at that time. But the immediate feeling of this "reminder" was that I'd lay myself wide open to this woman's affection, only to be told in a private manner that my zipper was down, as if the hug and the implication of friendship was a rue to get me close enough to tell me of my careless zipper. If she had indicated by sign language it would have ended up being more effective and less embarrassing. But what was most embarrassing to me wasn't my zipper at half mast (it's not like anything was going to flop out through a woman's fly), I was embarrassed and hurt that she used a friendly gesture to keep the faux pas private. My reaction was to straighten up and tell her how "Wow, that's human nature for you, I had reminded another of their fly being down earlier, and didn't even notice mine was hanging open!" Of course, by then the others in the room by then knew of the zipper incident. I went over to M. who was still waiting his turn for dialysis, and sat as if he needed my company instead of his being my rock to hold on to, easing me from my inner storm of embarrassment. From then on, every time I saw this woman in the waiting room, I couldn't feel warm and fuzzy about her anymore. Since then I have been more attentive to zipping up... she was a good teacher, but one I no longer liked because of her using the false fondness merely so she could discretely tell me about my zipper.

Listen, folks, just a nod, and a glance at the area should do... or a "mouthed", "XYZ", but not a false expression of fondness. It opens a kind of vulnerability that makes the only real lesson really learned is not to be fond of that person. At least for my type personality... a personality that even remembers embarrassment even at toddler age, when I once looked up under my mother's dress because I wanted to see if she was the shape of her dress...( "what WAS under there?")... instead, I got yelled at. And... why would I remember that? I wasn't being lewd, but was made to feel ashamed of my curiosity. What a difference it would have made if my mom asked me why I looked up there, instead of reacting like I had a dirty mind instead of just being curious. I would have said "I wanted to see if you had legs like us, or was shaped like the dress." At least I think that's what I would have said. And if she said, "Women usually wear dresses, but we all have a people shape..." and "It's best you don't look up women's dresses, as we like to stay private," It also would serve to be a good time to explain to a toddler about privacy. But Mom was human, and had her own automatic reactions to embarrassment herself.

On the mother side myself, I still have hostile feelings towards the curiosity of some little boys in my old neighborhood back about 40 years ago who now probably have teenagers of their own. They had been playing around my house, and I'd gone down to the laundry room to throw in another wash. I was doing a non-bleach wash, the same kind for my underwear, and threw what I was wearing into the machine. In so doing, I heard some giggling, and turned towards the noise to see those two brothers peeking in my window. I was horrified! I think I was too embarrassed to tell their mother. I hoped they told theirs and she gave them a spanking or gave them a three day time out, but knew that she probably had gotten a good laugh if they had told. Who knows... I may have threatened them and embarrassed them to the point where they never forgot my yelling at them ...but I somehow doubt it. When a brother is along, you have support and a little shelter from embarrassing situations. But, if I did embarrass them, I'm glad I was their teacher about the bad idea of peeking in another's windows. I may have saved them from a stalking charge, but most likely I probably am that woman who will go down in their memory as the first naked woman they'd seen.

Gads... Now I'm embarrassing myself.

Cranberry Jo