COMPLAINTS OF A MALE LADYBUG

It really pisses me off when they call us all "Ladybugs." I'm a man bug and proud of it.

All winter long I've been in and out of hibernation in a house in Silver Lake, PA. I was flying about in the great outdoors last Fall, and suddenly, BOOM! I flew smack-dab onto an open door. This was Late Fall, which I like to Capitalize, as it's an important Season for us Bugs, as we need some warm place to hibernate. We don't have Holidays, like people... in fact, we are NOTHING like people, so I can Capitalize wherever I damn please. In the Fall we must find a safe place in which to hibernate.

Anyhow... (I say that a lot too) I bumbled about the house, and landed on a h-u-m-u-n-g-o-u-s trophy of a MOOSE head that had been securely anchored to the wall over their TV set. Don't ask how I knew what it was. Instinct, I guess. It wasn't like a live one or even a dead one... It was a mounted one; I found out the hard way when I tried to crawl up a vacant nostril to hibernate, there was no inside where I could go. I flew way up above the moose head, and settled for a corner of the center beam of the cathedral ceiling of the house, snuggled in with a whole bunch of strangers, all with that dratted "Lady" name whether female or not.

A truth not talked about much between L-bugs (can't stand that feminine first name) is that not all of us live through the winter. One to the left eventually dropped dead, then one to the right. I lost my hold on my place in the corner and dropped to the floor behind the TV. It doesn't hurt us to fall like that, but it was a rude awakening.

I crawled along until I saw much light from the very same door I had entered that very warm day in late AUTUMN... (...or Fall, the only season for which humans also have another name .. They puzzle me in so many ways). Us L-bugs just bumble about throughout our lives, and if we just happen to run into somewhere to hibernate, fine! We do it there. When we need something to drink and eat, and run it while bumbling about, that's great too! I ran into a glob of melting snow that a dog tracked in. I had a refreshing drink ( a much needed thing when awakening, even temporarily, from a hibernation). Then I flew about the house and ended up on the countertop. A great place to get food, except when you mistake their sugar substitute for the real thing. "Fool me once, and shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on me," as one of your human sayings go. A common mistake for a sleepy L-bug awakening during the winter, is getting on something round. A friend of mine once circled the rim of a mug for hours, all the time thinking he was getting someplace. The dummy.

On the counter during my mid-winter break, I ran into some coffee. It must have been decaf, with creamer and sugar, as it was quite satisfying. Boy, does the caffeinated kind do a number on us. Another L-bug drank some and flew like crazy, crash landed, and died on the spot. Another friend that was bumbling about had an even worse fate. He crawled up into the coffee maker and found a great resting spot between the filter and the basket of the maker. Then, in the morning, when the Head of the House turned on the pot, the poor bug--I hope he didn't suffer much. The man and wife wondered why the coffee had an "off flavor" that day. After all, they'd set it up the same way each evening. ...We aren't too flavorful. We have a bit of the musky odor about our being that would come out especially when boiling water is being dripped on you. That odor also protects us from other bugs eating us. I know, it sounds cannibalistic, and we don't sound advanced, but after all, you eat animal meat. I guess it's for the same reason that you don't eat skunks.

We don't fear death, but naturally we don't like being hurt or having to suffer. What hurts most is being damaged. The worst thing in my opinion is the vacuum. It has been told that it does us no harm, but think about it: Bring rolled into its brushes while being sucked up at the same time by the upright vac, and bumbled through it's inner hose, and dumped haphazardly into a bag of dust... Excuse me, but a big ACHOO to that!

That's what just happened to me. I'm texting you from a very dark spot. Now, don't be surprised that we can text. Look how advanced we are. We look like tiny Volkswagens, and, yet, we can open our exterior shell, and fly like a very tiny bumble bee. But think about it. Then when we land, we pull in our flexible wings, and then cover them with our "VW" like exterior. You can't even do that with your new hybrid cars. You guys are so behind the times it's ridiculous! Well, I'm done texting. Right now I'm just trying to gain some purchase on the inside of this vacuum bag so I can begin to hunt for the hole and go out into that living room to hibernate a little longer. I'll wait until a warm day in spring to find my way outdoors again.

I need to get outside in time for Mating Season. That's the closest thing to a Holiday with a capital "H" for us.

Meanwhile, like I say it's "ACHOO!" from the inside of a vacuum on a trip I never wanted to take!