PUNS Poking fun at our AMERICAN LANGUAGE

On the radio within a conversation it was said, "You sound like my late mother." My husband commented, "What does he mean, his 'late mother'?"
"For my children it would be my always being late. For this person he meant his mother had passed away."

It got me thinking about why I love puns, as well as plays on words, and just critiques on pronunciations.

Like my favorite pun: "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
So take flies: Flies can mean: it's going really fast; zippers on jeans; annoying insects; what an airplane does... in fact, we don't say take an airplane, we just say fly. "We'll fly out to see you."

And as my stepson Jim said was his favorite not exactly a pun: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." ~~Groucho Marx. It's the outside of... part of the phrase, meaning aside from. We throw different phrases around meaning the same thing, but if you take it literally, it becomes 'kind of' a pun. I love this language of ours, and when I see a chance to use a pun, I take it.

The online Webster's Dictionary says
pun
noun
a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings.
And offered a few good ones: using the verb 'punning' as in punning the composers: "Handel with care" and "Haydn go seek"

Here are all my favorite puns, and I thought it would be fun to see my point by sharing them with you. If you know of a pun I didn't include, please leave it in the 'comments':

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.

Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napolean could smell defeat'

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

One of the most successful inventors of all time was the guy
who invented the hay-bailing machine... Obviously, he made a bundle!

A good pun is its own reword.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

"I had heard that"Commentary" and"Dissent" had merged and
formed "Dysentery." -Alvy Singer

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the
axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes from morons?

Inferiority complex: a conviction by a jury of your fears.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

I think I am a pretty decisive person.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
- Steven Wright (b.1955)

A patient tells his psychiatrist, "Doctor, I feel like a pair of
curtains."
The doctor replies, "Come now, pull yourself together."

A Termite walks into the bar and says. "excuse me, is the
bar tender here?"

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
people from Holland called Holes?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why don't skeletons go scuba diving?
They haven't got the guts.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

It is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

My reality check just bounced.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Clones are people, two

Atheists have no invisible means of support.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do
they keep it?

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
...A bad golfer goes, whack, dang it!.
...A bad skydiver goes dang it!! whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
...Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
...Tame way, unique up on it.

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
...Skeet.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
...An amish drive-by shooting

Where did Vincent Van Gogh?

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."

Graffiti -- The writing on the wall...

There really are people who always find enough gas for an ego trip.

The biggest fish are caught by the tale.

If women can have PMS; Men can have ESPN.

A dollar sign has been described as a capital "S" which has been double crossed.

If you can't tell the difference, what difference does it make?

Keep raising the roof and people will think there's something wrong in your attic.

Being slow to pick up the check is an art with some, you really have to hand it to them.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Q. If all the cars in the country were pink, what would we have?
A. A pink car nation.

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
that he just whipped out a quarter?

Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People"

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks..

"An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
~Spanish proverb

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." Mae West


Signs:

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

On a Califormia freeway:
Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken Lenses Duplicated Here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonwille, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library

Then there's puns that are within plays on words:

Robbery Lesson
A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to
the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be
geography."
The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the
cage, along with a recipe.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a
Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Then there's the "work/retirement" puns:

An old occupation:

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

IF..... [see work]
If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that. . .
electricians could be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
and dry cleaners depressed?
Wouldn't you expect laundry workers to decrease,
eventually becoming depressed and depleted?
Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked,
baseball players debased,
bulldozer operators degraded,
organ donors delivered,
software engineers detested, and
underwear manufacturers debriefed.
And won't all composers one day decompose?
On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will
someday be devoted.

I didn't mean to go on and on with these puns, but I'm not the soul of brevity...

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)

...And, I was too tempted to resist it.

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." Mae West