Journal entry July 14, 2009

First entry in a new notebook back in 2009:

I have been having a problem with "worth" lately.  It seems as if I need something -- charity work or Volunteer work-- to get me outside of myself in order to feel worthy of this life I'm leading.  However, since I stopped riving for meals (HDM), I've wanted to make this time off from doing the philanthropic things and to now work for self and family.

I've wanted to sort through my ton of notebooks to weed out that which isn't worth keeping, if that's only to keep whomever draws the short straw, when I pass, to chucking the whole business.

Those notebooks are my life, but don't reflect the underlying happiness that is normally felt.  Those notebooks poured out the sticks and stones which were blocking my road to happiness.  So they are mainly a way of clearing away the debris so I could move on and enjoy each day to the fullest.  But to the reader it could seem a list of complaints of life's way of treating me.

Hopefully I'll have said something of value to future generations or to any public who could profit from my insights.

Another mission is the albums...and the photography.  I want my albums at hand, and to be 'looked' at and enjoyed for what they are: a picture book of my family and the life around us.  That task is a list toxic one than the sometimes wading through the complaints and depressions that got in the way of what could have been a more perfect life...But, like I said, it was m way of clearing that path and making my life more enjoyable.

The pictures are like life free of that debris.  We pose for the shots or keep those that depict that happiness we see when looking back--like seeing the high hills from an even higher hill, not those valleys in between.

But in the darkness of the night, one sees lights in those valleys.  Sometimes we need the darkness in order to see those lights--to be able to peer into the windows of those memories and see how we managed to survive and what fortifications we used to stave off the negative.

So, between those two self quests, we will have a reflection  of what life was like for me and my family throughout the years.  Those albums and those snapshot records of our lives, may not depict the mind and soul.  In old Jewish tradition as well as some Native American beliefs they did not want any graven images .. Maybe it wasn't that we'd worship them instead of God, but maybe they don't depict the spirit and soul of the person.  Sometimes we cannot pose or dress for the occasion and expect that other dimension to show.  I remember as a young housewife in Vestal that when I was in a good mood, but my work clothes, and my hair simply drawn back in a ponytail to get the hair out of my face, and I wasn't thinking of anything but getting a task done, and I would 'feel' better feed-back from the public than when I had to go, and my energy was down, so I'd primp and take pains to look perfect, and then feel absolutely shunned by the "outside world".

Calm/assertive comes to me.  Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, always talks of energy and uses that reference so often you want to say, "Enough Already", but it's true.  Take a dog.  He doesn't care how you look or himself looks.  He listens, he sees how you act, and he feels your energy.  I just don't know if that translates in a photo.  Not that I care, but I guess my looks are who I am to future generations, so if my photographs can somehow show my spirit and mindset as well, then I can be happy with that memory "carved in the stone" of a photograph.

But, back to my notebooks: They are so full of "weeds" but I want my words to depict the machete knife cutting my way through life so the weeds won't choke up my life and leave me stranded in my own miseries.  But like my snapshots that don't show my whole soul, I intend to edit that which would hurt others.  ...To rip out those briars of just blowing off steam, and save the wisdom ...IF I find any.